loving myself - as i am
In August, I was at the beginning of a huge project. And I was suffering. Since I had decided to coordinate the project myself and do much of the work myself, I would need to have timelines. I would need to know how long a thing would take. I needed to know when to schedule people to do work. I would need to know what to buy and when to have it ready. And I didn’t have any idea how to do this.
I am not a linear person. I’m actually such a circular thinker that I can confuse myself if I don’t get a chance to talk with someone. For the past 5 years, I've struggled with my memory and thinking after experiencing a time of intense stress. I had brain fog for almost a year and have never returned to the way my brain was before that time. My friends are dear, lovely people who accept and love me as I am. I rely on them to help me see which steps need to be done first.
I suffered with this for several weeks actually. I considered not doing the project at all. I considered moving to another city, another country. How do I get a visa?
Then I did the only thing I could feel inside. I started. And I did what my best thinking told me was the first step. And then I took one step after another. I had absolutely no idea how long it would take, what would be involved, or how it would all come together. I had a feeling what I might like for an end-date, yet had no idea if that was even possible. And I turned the project and myself over. When I could work, I worked. When I had to cry, I cried. Sometimes I would pretend it wasn’t happening. Sometimes it was all I could think about. In this place, I realized that this is how I need to do a project, this is me, this IS how I do it. By doing it.
Once before in my life, I found the ease and peace of turning an outcome over and following what was given to me to do. I am so grateful to have experienced that again. Several miracles happened through this project. I tried one store and couldn’t find the store or a parking place, so I understood that wasn’t the store for me and headed to the next store. As I was waiting at a traffic light on the way to the next store, I looked down a street and saw a store I’d probably seen a million times, since it was right in my neighborhood, but hadn’t remembered or registered it. And I knew in that moment that was where I would find exactly what I needed. I continued to the store I was headed to, didn’t find anything there, and returned to the one I had just seen out the window. They were so kind, had support, and all of the services I needed. I felt so grateful that I cried in the car after I left there.
That happened several times. I found such kindness and consideration in others. And of course I found selfishness, greed, incompetence, and disrespect. But this time, I fired people. Kindly and with consideration, but definitely fired. Or I didn’t hire someone who was demonstrating disrespect during the interview. I also said no. A lot. No, I’m not going to use that. No, I’m not ready to do that part of the project. No, I don’t want that more expensive thing, I’m happy with this thing.
In the movie, The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, a woman at the hotel said, “I thought, how many new lives can we have, and then I thought, as many as we want.” I feel like I’ve turned a corner into a new place in life. Into flow and ease. Into trust. Into standing in my place. Into accepting the way that I think and process and how I can do things. Into accepting and loving myself for my strengths - my intuition, my connection, my determination, my imagination.
Another person in the movie said, “You have no idea who you will become. Don’t try to control it, let go. That’s where the fun starts.” May this coming year bring flow, ease, trust and fun to all of us.